Top 10 Doctor Hacks. A Cheat Sheet on understanding what your Doctor really means.

As we know doctors are salesmen, they work for the drugs company that paid for their car, their home and their education. We all have a boss and we all have sales targets. It’s just the way the way of the world, right? Doctors are so good at sales, we don’t even know what they are really saying.

So here’s a handy list of things to listen out for when you next visit that friendly doctor.

A cheat sheet on how to interpret what they really mean:

1. Take these antibiotics, they will strip your Gut Flora nicely, so that your immune system really is compromised for good. We will get to know each other well.
2. We should puncture that tumour, so the cancer spreads beautifully.
3. I just need to inject your child with mercury and a little insect DNA to prevent them catching something non-contagious. It’s OK they won’t feel a thing and you won’t even see the early warning signs.
4. Take these drugs to kill your brain cells, it will help me next time you come in with more questions.
5. Here’s a course of tablets that can give a heart attack, that should prevent the headaches.
6. Worried about cancer? OK lets send you for a test that is more likely to give you cancer, even if you don’t have it yet.
7. Your Cancer is too far gone, so all we can do for you right now is a course in mustard gas, er… sorry I mean chemotherapy.
8. You look a little peaky, why don’t you eat more meat, the hormones they feed the animals might even make you homosexual, or infertile. So come back and see me when it does. We have a pill for that too.
9. Please just try and avoid any natural foods as we can’t trust that won’t help us see you again, oh and what’s wrong with a little sweet treat now and then?
10. Don’t worry Prostrate cancer is treatable, all we need to do is obliterate that entire thing and give you pills to make you female. That should do it. It might even calm you down a bit.

In sales, one of the first things you are taught is to taint the competition, to sow a seed of doubt just in case they stray to the other side. So in the true nature of competition, here’s 10 things you can expect to hear from your GP salesman Doctor about natural cures.

Imaginary Patient: “Dr, I saw on the internet that there are some really good alternatives out there. What do you think?”

Imaginary Doctor: “Well there are people out there that will prey on the sick and the desperate I’m afraid. And you can’t believe everything you read, especially on the internet. Phew, I’ve heard some things I can tell you. If it worked (and we have made sure that the research tells us it doesn’t) believe me I would be suggesting it. I’ve heard some crazy things they make you do, like:”

1. Drink 10 litres of Apple Cider vinegar daily
2. Rub coconut oil into your eyes
3. Pour gallons of coffee up your bum
4. Snort Quinoa each morning
5. Put Turmeric on your eye lids
6. Avoid meat, dairy, water, people and the air you breath
7. Don’t wear shoes
8. Stick herbs between your teeth after they’ve been removed from amalgam fillings and root canals.
9. Drink bleach
10. Beat you with a stick and give you snake oil

Mother Nature is a better scientist than Pfeizer and GSK. We owe it to our bodies to consider what goes in them. If you were a petrol powered car, you would not fill it with diesel, unless of course you had simply forgotten to check and then whoops, silly car doesn’t work anymore.